FALSE ALARMS – FireEngineering.com

FALSE ALARMS
Under Wraps
A lieutenant of a fireboat fell overboard. He was rescued by a solitary fireman. The officer asked his preserver how he could reward him.
“About the best thing you can do for me, sir,” said the marine fire fighter, earnestly, “is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows know I had pulled you out they would chuck me in.”
W N Y F
“Has your wife changed much since you married her?”
“Changed! I’ll say she has! She’s changed my hours, my habits and my friends!”
He worked his way through college,
As heroes often do.
Now he’s right back where lie started, Working his son’s way through.
“I hear you advertised for a wife—any replies?
“Oh yes—hundreds of ’em.”
“What did they say?”
“Most of ’em said: ‘You can have mine!’ ”
Twice-Told Tale—But Good
A drunk staggered into a bar, propped himself against the bar and addressed the bartender.
“Shay, can you tell me who runs Alcoholics Anonymoussh,” he asked.
“Why, do you want to join?” asked the bartender.
“Nope,” said the drunk, “I wanna resign.”
“Would you like to see a model home?” asked the realtor.
“Sure would,” said the fire fighter “what time does she get off?”
A woman went to the doctor to complain about her husband’s delusion. “It’s terrible, Doctor,” she said. “All the time he thinks he’s a refrigerator.”
“Well,” consoled the medical man, “that isn’t too bad. Quite a harmless delusion, I’d say.”
“The delusion I don’t mind, Doctor. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake!”
The honeymoon is over when the dog brings your slippers and your wife barks at you!
Bum No. 1: “1 hate holidays.”
Bum No. 2: “Yeah … it makes me feel so common when nobody ain’t working.”
Some fellers can drink beer just as well sittin’ down as they can standin’ up. But most of ’em can’t stand up so well after they’ve been drinkin’ sittin’ down as they can sit after drinkin’ standin’ up.
Indirect Application!
Doctor: “Your husband must have absolute quiet. Here is a sleeping powder.”
Wife: “When do I give to to him?”
Doctor: “You don’t give it to him— you take it yourself.”
Daffynitions
A night club is a place where they have what it takes to take what you have.
Sandy MacTavish has found out what to do with old razor blades. He shaves with them.
Kinkchaser Sez: Then there was the mayor who insisted that two-wheel brakes for pumpers were sufficient. He figured if the hind end of the rig stopped, the front end couldn’t get very far.
Expectant Fire Fighter’s First
The expectant fireman father had feverishly paced the maternity ward corridor. When at last the nurse brought him the exciting news that his first-born was a bouncing girl he flopped into a chair, mopped his wrinkled brow and exclaimed:
“Thank God it’s a girl. I’d never want a son of mine to go through what I have today!”
You can lead a fireman to water—but why disappoint him like that?
Too many young firemen spend their time off tinkering with misses in their motors.
A sign of middle age is when the girl you whistle at thinks you must he calling a dog.
Copyright © 2019 – 2021

source